In darkness..

Form 4 life has started for like 2 weeks already. I'm still shrouded in pitch-black darkness, can't seem to keep track of what I'm doing, and wait.. sometimes I have no idea what I'm doing..

Form 3 was like rowing your paddles in a sampan to get to your destination. Form 4 is like.. hopping into a speedboat and not being able to even hold on to the controls.. Form 3 was like going round and round a merry-go-round, so simple, so stable. Form 4 is like going on a roller coaster, fast-paced. So unpredictable.

Everyday is like intense army training for the brain. So much information is being crammed into the organ in so little time. Before you understand what has just been fed to you, another huge spoonful comes along and forces you to swallow it. The lessons are mind-boggling aside from being nerve-wracking. It's terrible when you start seeing words appear then disappear as the duster goes past it. Everything comes and goes in an instant. Nothing seems to wait for you.

What I want is accompaniment. Be it with a friend or just someone I know. Someone to walk with to the school gate after the last bell rings to talk about the day and stuff. Dunno why, but that takes a huge load off me, makes me feel lighter. Happier. I like to smile and laugh a lot these days, even if there's no reason.. Yeah, sometimes hard things get impossible when you keep a straight, blank face. But being around someone who talks about nothing but studies and maybe a bit of other stuff is literally boring. Even in class, my friend has her own work to the for the time being and always leaves her place to talk to someone else about her work for PPS. That leaves me alone to stare into space, so I try to make myself busy by getting hold of anything to do, even reading the Malay novel that I never finish reading every year. We don't have a lot of stuff to talk about coz she says she's lazy to open her mouth to talk.. What!? And sometimes it's scary when she isn't in a good mood, it pressures me so much when she doesn't answer me or when I ask her what's wrong, it's like she starts telling me a bit then cuts it off by saying "No lah, I should be talking to someone else about this". It hurts me as a friend and I feel so uncomfortable. Sometimes she's ultra friendly and I just have to suit her mood. Be friendly to her when she's happy and stay away when she doesn't bother to reply. This hot and cold feeling is definitely what I hate the most. I don't even know why we got together in the first place. It was fine the first week but starting the next it was hot then cold, hot then cold. It's puzzling to think about what goes on in her head. That's just the negative part, don't get it the wrong way, I don't hate her, nor do I dislike her, I really like to be her friend actually. There's positive too.. She's great at schoolwork and she's really nice when she feels like it. That's all to say about the two weeks with her, obviously there are more negatives but I still really like her as a good friend. And there's another girl in class from 3D, she's really nice and helpful. She sits with me in all the Science classes and helps me out here and there. Our parents apparently know each other too. She goes for so many tuition classes O,O She's like lightyears ahead of me. She's still not that well versed with other classmates I guess. In Bio class, she finished what the teacher asked for immediately but she kept pushing me to present it for her, that probably was the first time I presented something that was totally not mine. She's nice anyways~ People that go for tuition during the holidays are a bit intimidating during lessons coz they seem like they know everything already.

Hoping to bring plants to class next week, and start working more efficiently. This happens whenever I start liking where I am, I go all out to make it feel more like a home to me. I hope my classmates won't disapprove of what I'm doing, I just like doing it, it's like home where my friends are everyday. When you can't change the situation you're in, try liking it, haha..